sienna market at dusk
























































































i stumbled upon this market at the end of my day trip to sienna (which i will get back to. i am bouncing around my trip here)

i had heard about open air markets all over italy and was very excited about getting to them.
this was exceptional considering i found it just as the sun was setting. there were some crafts and goods, but a large part of this market was cheese, olive oils and local foods. i found out the next day that the local oil had recently been pressed, hence all the oil here - in particular the dark green oil which means it is still very young and the sediment hadn't settled yet.

i didn't buy anything. i traveled light on cash in hand, due to problems with atm's. it was for the best.

after this i went to find my car- which i could not. i was completely lost, first in the town, then in a garage -on foot. a siennese resident, who spoke not a word of english (and i, no italian) walked me through a garage (where we found i was not parked) and then through the town of sienna to find my car. it was an absolutely beautiful act of human kindness & generosity. i drove back to the inn without getting lost.

greve in chianti.

































































































































































































































when i booked my trip to italy, i had one destination that i was unsure of.
the only thing knew was that it was in tuscany and that i'd be driving.

it wasn't until the morning of my flight that i looked it up on the map and found some destination sites nearby. pisa, assisi, siena, etc.

so when i come to that leg of my tour, i pick up my car in florence and am told it is about a half hour drive to greve in chianti.

that is, if you don't get lost. which i quickly did.

i drove up a mountain, scared to death of the edge. i came to a farm and stopped for directions to be met by someone who spoke no english, as i spoke no italian. i tried to back out and burst into a sweat when i couldn't seem to get the car into reverse.

surely the beginning of an adventure alright.

2 hours later, for a 20 minute drive, i find my town. there is a small city centre that i stop through and eat a bowl of pasta. shortly after i make it to my inn.

and it is gorgeous. a wine/olive oil/saffron farm. rolling hills and green everywhere. i meet elaine, who seems to be running the show. she's kind and quiet and i appreciate this. the place is cold and dark and beautiful. antique furniture, cathedral ceilings- much different than the shoe box room i had stayed at while in rome.

and soon i realize that i am the only guest.

i am told to lock the door of the inn when i arrive home from my travels since there is no one working there overnight. it's strange, i try not to over think it.

i take a nap from the mere fact that i am a bit overwhelmed by it all. i'm not quiet sure what to do right now. do i take the car out for a road trip? not really feeling it after 2 hours lost on the road. i'm freezing. i have no computer (and have yet to figure out wifi on my ipod) my phone doesn't work, there is no phone in my room. and so, i sleep.

i get up a bit later and drive again into the city centre. i eat dinner at the same place that i had lunch. they recognize me, it's nice to be a familiar face. and it's quiet again until 25 Italian men come in for a party. suddenly i'm afraid- intimidated to have to finish and walk past that crowd. a single woman. but, in time i do and i am not harassed or cat called. i leave in peace.

i try and call my mom from a pay phone. i can't get through. the one coffee house in town with Internet service is closed. i can't connect with anyone. and suddenly i feel very alone. very upset. i cry when i can't reach home. and i go back to my room feeling slightly defeated. there is no american television, and i am the only person in this place. it's dark, i recall horror movies for a moment. what to do? i read, i write, i think, i listen. i wanted solitude, i certainly got it. and i just figure this is how i'll deal with it. quiet, meditative moments. i sleep well and wake up early. they make me my own private continental breakfast with a banquet table set for one. it's pretty endearing. i drink lots of coffee and get on the road to travel to pisa.

the few days i had here in greve in chianti were absolutely remarkable. there is an expression, "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it." i apply that here. i wanted to be alone. to clear my head. this leg of my adventure gave me just that. i travel on unknown roads for hours through the tuscan mountains not knowing where i am, making stops in villages that look interesting. seeing some remarkably beautiful landscapes, as well as breathtaking architecture and history. communicating with people through human expression when words can't be exchanged. people help me, people are exceptionally kind to me without any expectations. i let go of a lot while i'm here. i had no choice, it wasn't a matter of thought, it was a matter of necessity. and the one word that i learned to apply was surrender.

surrender. it's an action word.

sometimes, things don't go our way. we have to surrender. we have to turn it over. as my plans fell through or weren't as expected, i had to let go and ask, "what is in store for me?" after all this was a trip for me. i was in a foreign place alone. there was plenty to see and do and i had to believe i was going to go where i needed to be to experience the things i needed to experience. i couldn't have asked for much more.

and if i had known what i was in for in tuscany, as far as solitude was concerned, i don't know that i would have planned it. after all, a city like rome or florence is a bit more familiar with the bustle of people and activity. but, this was a huge step out of my comfort zone and i am so grateful that i was able to do it.

so, when i check out of the villa, i stop in their shop to pick up some wine, olive oil, saffron and pasta and i take some photographs of elaine and her uncle (the proprietor- who had a constant smile and happy demeanor) and as i wrap up my purchases she asks me if i'd like to stay for lunch. she was translating for her uncle who spoke no english. she then asks me if i like truffle.


yes. i like truffle.

so i stay to have lunch with 6 italians, 2 of which speak english. it was quiet an experience. i felt very honored to be there. a doctor friend brought a truffle which we ate over pasta. there were many dishes that weren't for me since they were meat but they made special provisions for me as well as for elaine's father who was in attendance (she explained to me that he didn't care much for meat either and choose to eat more along the lines of a vegetarian.) they laughed that i also didn't drink the wine or champagne that was offered and wondered what i did to indulge. they poured olive oil all over their food and i watched in amazement. i didn't have a clue what they spoke about but sat next to a woman who translated a lot to me. and it felt nice to be with her. we spoke of the states where her daughter had studied and i felt i had a compadre.

i took some photos, i asked them to put on some silly hats that were hanging in the dining room. they agreed we all laughed and had fun with it. that was universal.

and this was my send off. i didn't connect with many people when i was in italy, let alone break bread but, this was a special day. i couldn't feel more grateful for the hospitality i was shown that afternoon. and if i hadn't been open to letting go of my plans and letting the world head it's way, i may have missed out on such a lovely experience.

i get in my fiat rental and travel into florence smiling.











"i'm not trying to be a bigot but..."




























tonight i worked, bar tended. i had a group of about 10 "older"
clients come in. i'd guess them to be in their mid 40's. i say "older"
because for the crowd at my bar they were.

apparently they had rented a limo to go out on the town. i'm not sure if that paints a picture of the type of people they were for you, but for me it says something- and it's not something complimentary.

after ordering a round of drinks two of them called me over to talk. they wanted to go dancing and our d.j. wasn't on yet. so we talked about where they could go & when our bar would pick up. and then the question comes...

"does it get dark in here?"

i look him dead in the eyes and say, "i don't know what you're talking about."

"dark, ya know- black"

and i'm at a loss for words. i say nothing.

"i'm not trying to be a bigot, but will we be safe?"

baffled. "yes, of course."

it pained me deeply. this is the privilege of racism that mixed folks get all the time. i am offended by most racist comments even if they are not directed toward or even concerning my "race" why? because it's all the same.

this ignoramus just decided that it was okay to say to me. to anyone for that matter.

i didn't say anything. i wanted to say..."i'm black." i wanted to say "your aren't trying to be a bigot, you ARE being a bigot." i wanted to say..."we're in center city, you idiot." i wanted to point out his fear of black people. his ugly fucking shortcoming. but, i let him be and just felt sad.

sad because sometimes i hate blending into any crowd. sad because it took me years to work this stuff out within me- to even understand what i was and to accept that. to not be afraid of this type of attitude that i encountered constantly when i was growing up in the suburbs. sad for the other ambiguous race folks that hear this type of talk as often as i do.

and then i thought of this photo. i thought of my project. i thought, i have to write about this. i thought of all the beautiful mixed blooded people that were at my opening celebrating their OWN community for once. not having to fit in or blend, just comfortable in a space with a crowd of people who share this experience that often feels really, really lonely.

and knowing that i've taken these photos and have this project makes me feel comfort on some level because i have a voice today. because i'm not scared like i used to be. because, i love myself and all that i'm made of today. and if i helped anyone that participated in my project to share some of those feelings or to think of that representation when they face these issues, well, i feel good about that too. our experience is surely unique as well as a gift and i realize that today and i'm ever so grateful for it.

oh, and one more thing in closing. there was no "black crime" at my bar tonight. just two white girls that fought until the lights had to be put on, the music was stopped and there was blood everywhere. so...so much for summing that one up to race.




st peter's basilica


































































































i never want to forget the feelings of walking into these spaces.
5 years ago i traveled to england and france and never thought i'd see a
cathedral more beautiful than san chapelle. but it's funny as much as i loved that space
and even remember entering that room nothing takes the cake as st. peter's did.

but, i've been thinking about then and now. 5 years ago, where was i? in school, my 4th year (it took me 6 years to put myself through college- working and studying 7 days a week for most of that 6) i was 31 and had 7 years sober. but, in many ways i still was contained in a bubble. i don't remember feeling so moved by anything. is it time or is it that i have become more in tune with myself and my feelings or the combination of these things? regardless, i was extremely moved when i entered the basilica.

immediately, i viewed the pieta'. i'm not including the picture because i dislike the reflections in it (it's covered in glass) and as remarkable a piece of work that it is (especially that michelangelo completed it when he was 23) as i turn and take in all the grandeur of this space i am again moved to tears, my breath is taken and i cannot even seem to move my feet.

stunned by the beauty. absolutely prolific.

and i am aware that i am dead in my tracks and every time i go to take a few steps, i am stunned to stop and take in the glory of this space and all that it contains. you don't have to be pilgrim or religious or spiritual in any way to understand. this is beyond beautiful.

but, this will be the last i write about getting all weepy over art and space. in fact i will add what did get my feet moving was a "security guard" who was following me. young Italian kid circling me and i thought, "really... in here... the way i'm feeling right now? leave me alone"

Italian men, another blog. strange birds in deed.

i had to shoot several dirty looks in st. peter's to get my point across that this was NOT okay.
ridiculous.

but again, i digress. i will say that when i see something on a tour, i am usually done with it. onto the next destination. i don't really like to revisit the same places again and again but i would absolutely return to this destination.


and i was moved to tears by it all.


























ill begin with, i realize this is a terrible photograph. i include it for it's relevance to my travels and the reasons behind which it is not a good photo.

i had a feeling about this place. clearly i don't have to get into any history here. if you don't know much about the Sistine chapel it's easy enough to look it up. but, i feel it's common knowledge concerning it's existence, especially the ceiling.

now briefly, Michelangelo was commissioned to paint the ceiling when he was 33, he wasn't a painter he was a sculptor. ahem... when he was commissioned to do the front wall, "the last judgement" he was near 60 and so respected by the catholic church he was able to include some serious diverse elements. look it up if you don't know the background. it's a compelling story.

continuing on, i had a feeling about the moving effect that this would bring about, but i had no real clue as to what that would feel like and why.

and we enter.
and i cry.
and i can barely catch my breathe.
and it is literally breathtaking.

this room is full of frescoes, architecture and decorations by thee finest Renaissance artists and i am overcome with emotion. and i must add that i am most taken by the last judgement.

the shear beauty and unimaginable talent that i am surrounded by. i can barely breathe and tears fall from my eyes.

and it's not just the art. it's the accumulation of it all. it's my life, it's what i've done for myself. it's the trip and all it symbolizes.

i am here completely alone.
i have made this trip happen by myself.
i am not lonely.

many people i know have traveled to Italy. many have lived there.
i'm not the first on this voyage or any for that matter, but for me this is all symbolic.

i am alone & i don't mean that to sound bad, but it is the case.

i am single and a homeowner and a hard worker and a solid member of AA.
i have pets, i have cars, i have responsibilities to myself and these things. and i do
it alone. and by alone i mean...

when the house needs to be cleaned, i do it. when the bills need to be paid, i do it. when the car needs to be fixed, i do it. when i need to be fixed, i do it. i show up for life. i show up for my friends. i show up when i don't want to and for all of this i am grateful.

and here i stand in this greatness and i cry because i can. because i let myself feel these feelings, sometimes good, sometimes bad but always mine and to feel them is human.

and i don't need anyone to help me in this way. it would be nice but i am capable. i always have been (friends and emotional support aside because that helps me through all of this.) i have been on my own for so long now and have never received help. i don't come from much but i come from a really hardworking mother who did it on her own for us. this example provided me with the knowledge that all is possible. forever grateful to my mom for the things she doesn't even realize that she gave me- courage, independence, perseverance.

and i was moved to tears by it all.

and so it goes, i took a bad photo and for this reason; pilgrims are not supposed to take photos of this space, but everyone in there is taking pictures. and while i didn't want to compromise my experience here, i also wanted to take a picture (it is what i DO) and so without adjusting my settings and such, i took a quick shot. much akin to my tear filled eyes i got a blurry vision and so i choose to share this image which i kind of love.








vatican museums. first stop


































































































































i decided my first destination point for my tourist stops would be the Vatican.
i wanted to make sure it went off without a hitch and so i put in an early morning wake up call, had my continental breakfast at 7:30 and began my first trek on Roma's metro to Vatican City.

being that i am not a public transportation user in Philadelphia, it is always a challenge (and one that i actually enjoy) to take trains in other cities. it started out fairly easy, someone was helping out at the token machine, (possibly because it must have been rush hour). i caught the train, then realized i was heading in the wrong direction. off the train and back on i arrived at my stop and looked for the signs that pointed to the pope's house.

and there it is. as i'm approaching it, there are tons of tour guides selling tickets to get a tour with this, that and the other group. my usual way lets me pass these people with ease, but as i near, i open up to talk to a woman. thing is, there are specifics i want to see and i want to make sure i see them. and i'm pretty nervous about getting lost in the mix of a huge, 1000 gallery museum equipped with cathedral and of course, the brilliance of Michelangelo. so i sign up for a tour.

she leads me to a group and i meet our guide, an enthusiastic roman woman with a lot of moxy. and while i am annoyed by the traits of this type of leader, i'm also relieved to have someone show me the way.

and it takes FOREVER to get going.

i'm thinking...enough with the jargon and the history, are we actually going to see this joint?
yes, i'm at my first stop and i'm getting impatient, nervous & annoyed. i realize i've studied a lot of this stuff so it seems a bit redundant but, this is what tours are about & i think i've made a mistake but, i persevere and i make it in and i'm glad i did it this way.

not with out realizing my mac card won't work (to get cash and pay)and i'm left with some nerves about that as well. (this is my second try at a cash with drawl & i only went there with 17 euro) but, i digress.

so, we finally go in and it's wonderful. i mean wonderful. sculpture heaven. and i just can't take in enough of it. this is history, this is art. this is craftsmanship. this is what i came for. and i listen to the tour guide with one ear and move my senses all over the place, and i don't care that she thinks i'm not paying enough attention.

this is MY vacation and i'm taking it ALL in.



beginnings in italy






































i don't know where to begin so i'll begin with me in my first room in rome.

for some time now ( a little over a year) i've wanted to take a vacation alone. i knew i wanted to go international, i knew i didn't want to meet a friend wherever i decided to travel. alone. i needed some space to regroup, i needed some space to have an adventure. i wanted to know that i didn't have to rely on anyone to do the things in life that a lot of people require to have a companion for. i decided on italy since it seemed to fit into my ideas about where i wanted to go...and well, it's italy. food, ruins, art, nature and city.

my first stop was in rome.

this is me in my room. it was tiny, the bed was tiny. the shower was tiny. i was shocked every time i made a transition in this country. i didn't really take time to build a lot of expectations. i planned the trip 3 weeks in advance. i didn't do a ton a research, i just did it.

rome was perfect as my first destination point for this trip for a number of reasons. it was a busy city with a lot to see. i'm used to this so that was a comfort. my hotel had a laptop right outside my door that was free for use at all hours. there was a phone service across the street from my hotel that allowed easy communication back home to mom, which was important, "i'm here safe" etc. and there was tons of sites to see which was good for the first leg of my tour because site seeing can be exhausting.

so, i begin with these photos. one of 6 times i am in a photograph on my trip -which isn't much considering i took far over 1000 photos and videos.

i'm going to blog some images that are more important to me over time but, all my photos can be viewed on my flickr site.

until the next entry...ciao.